I just came back from a week in New York City. If you’ve not been there, you really should go. It is a whole other world from anywhere else in the country. I’ve been there so many times over the years that it has lost the newness for me, but it has never stopped fascinating me.

Aside from the sheer scale of the city – all the streets are lined by so many tall buildings that they become urban canyons reminiscent of art class vanishing point perspective drawings – what really gives New York its unique feel is the people. They are widely regarded as rude by people from, well, almost anywhere else. And, while some certainly are rude without a doubt, it really is largely a misconception.

What it really boils down to is this: there are so many people jammed together that it puts you in a defensive posture to begin with but, even assuming it didn’t, it simply isn’t practical to make any real human connection on the streets there. Every day I walked to and from my hotel at 51st and Lexington to where I was working at 39th and Madison. One morning, just for grins, I tried to count the number of people I passed on the way in. I had to give up before the first block. I’d reached 150 by mid-block and I’m reasonably certain I’d missed a few. So, conservatively, I passed 300 people in that one block. My walk was 14 blocks. That means that, in that 10 minute walk, I passed something close to 5,000 people. At that scale, it just isn’t possible to deal with other people as people. They are just moving obstacles in your path.

You see, when you think people are being rude in The City, they generally really aren’t. The can’t be rude to you because they never even saw you. Each of those people on the street are walking in their own world, just weaving through a maze of moving objects on the way to wherever they are headed. If you got the chance to go hang out in the offices where they are headed you’d see that they greet each other as effusively as people anywhere else; they stand around the water cooler and discuss sports and politics and kids much as office workers anywhere else in the country do.

But, the thing is, that practiced detachment in the street is foreign to most outsiders, so they tend to stick out like sore thumbs. And, if you’ve ever lived anywhere that is a tourist destination, you know how much love the locals have for the tourists; less than none. Tourists wander around slowing things down while all you are trying to do is get to work. So, as a public service, I’ve compiled a list of things that, at least in New York City, will make you stand out as an obvious tourist. Carrying a camera makes you look like a tourist anywhere – those aren’t the kinds of things I’m talking about – I’m talking about the things that are at least somewhat unique to New York.

So here they are, in no particular order:

Look up. I know there are lots of really tall buildings and, for most of us at least, it inspires awe, so we walk around looking up at them in amazement. This also tend to cause us to not follow the rapidly shifting foot traffic ahead of us as closely as we should causing us to run into other people. Locals never look up. In fact, they usually have their eyes cast slightly downward to avoid making the next big tourist mistake…

Make eye contact. Natives of the city never, and I mean never, make eye contact on the street with anyone intentionally unless they are trying to pick them up. Making eye contact with someone risks your accidentally realizing they are people. If they do inadvertently make eye contact, they immediately avert their eyes to pretend they were examining a nearby newspaper stand or storefront. If they are unable to find a suitably plausible excuse, one of them must change sides of the street at the next corner. OK, so that is perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.

Wait for the walk signal. There is no faster way to mark yourself as a tourist than to stand dutifully on the curb until the little green walk guy lights up. Most locals are off the curb well before it changes and many are across the street by the time it comes on. The real sign for locals is the cross street yellow light. And, If a car is left stuck in the intersection because of it, too bad for them. They shouldn’t have counted on being able to drive on the street.

Fail to aggressively defend your cab. If a local flags down a cab and, when said cab stops, someone else attempts to ’steal’ that cab, the ensuing confrontation is somewhat reminiscent of Roman gladiator games. The participants are but a loin cloth and a knife in their teeth away from a Charlton Heston movie.

Give cabbies addresses and not intersections. The street numbers in the city were devised by sadists. As a result, there is little predictability in where any given address will be. There is actually a system behind it, but it is so convoluted that only a mathematician could keep track of it. So, if you want to fit in, don’t tell them you need to go to “260 Madison Avenue”, instead tell them to take you to “39th and Madison”. Any good directions in The City will include cross streets. If you don’t have that information, the cabbie can pull out “the book” and look it up, but you can often expect to take the scenic – a.k.a. more expensive – route to get there.

Look surprised. If a car parked at the curb suddenly and spontaneously bursts into flames, New Yorkers will not show a hint of surprise. In fact, many of them wouldn’t even look at it; they would only notice it if it were blocking a crosswalk. Trust me when I tell you, the streets there will most certainly have most normal visitors on edge and there is plenty there to find surprising even if you weren’t. Suppress the urge. Tap into your inner Garfield and you’ll blend in just fine.

Walk slowly. Locals all walk at approximately Mach 1.4 except when they get stuck in the knot of foot traffic behind some tourist, who is usually walking slowly, wearing a camera and gawking up at the big buildings while looking surprised. Pay attention and try and keep up. If you positively must gawk, step into one of the many alcoves presented by storefronts or into the void on the leeward side of a paperbox or trashcan at the curb.

Act as though you can see the people around you. This is an acquired skill that you won’t likely master on your first trip. A little method acting can come in handy here, though. Think back to the worst fight you ever had with your spouse/significant other/sibling/etc. and remember the icy silence that followed in its wake. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about here. You remember; they’d say something and you either not respond or ask some third party in the room “did you hear something?” Yeah, like that. Now, tap into that feeling and pretend everyone you pass is that person. Done right, it should appear that you are walking down the sidewalk occasionally zigging or zagging for no apparent reason, not in response to other actual people there. As an extension this, you should avoid altering your path for others on the sidewalks in any overtly courteous manner.

Speaking to strangers at all. While it may be acceptable to ask the time of a stranger in Atlanta, or to say ‘Excuse Me’ to someone you accidentally bump into on the sidewalk in San Fran, that simply isn’t acceptable behavior in The City. There is a good chance that stranger will be a local and your speaking to them will simply confuse them. Remember that, for them, you aren’t there. They will likely be thinking “did you hear something?”

Paying full price from a street vendor. The City is loaded with street vendors selling anything from scarves , hats and ties, to knockoff Coach bags (which we refer to as “Couch bags”) and the like. Their asking price is always negotiable. Only a sucker – a.k.a. tourist – pays full price. The exception to this rule is for food. Don’t try and haggle over the price of a giant pretzel, cup of coffee, bagle, sausage, etc. You will most certainly stand out as a tourist if you do.

Oh, and as a bonus eleventh thing to do to look like a tourist in The City, I’ll tell you this: Carrying a large bouquet of pink balloons for several miles through the city streets will most certainly mark you as a tourist and may even draw a glance or two from the jaded locals. Don’t ask me how I know this; trust me, it is true.

So, if you find yourself in New York – and in the above examples I specifically mean Manhattan – and you simply must partake in any of the above behaviors, do yourself a favor. Flag down the next cab you can get and tell them to take you to Times Square. There are so many tourists there you will blend in just fine. Better yet, tell him to drop you at 42nd and 8th. It is but a block off of Times Square, and mere steps from John’s Pizzeria, where you can find some of the best thin crust pizzas in a city known for their thin crust pizza. They are cooked in a coal fired oven and are to die for. Oh, and while you are there, remember, it is a pie, not a pizza. Wouldn’t want to look like a tourist, now would you?

/g

A panorama shot I took off the top of the Rockefeller Center during my recent trip. It is composed of 11 individual shots “stitched” together