I have but one New Year’s resolution this year and it is the same one I make every year; I resolve not to make New Years resolutions next year either. That’s because, personally, I think they are silly to make to begin with. I mean, if there is some monumental change that needs to be made in someone’s life why haven’t they already been working on it? The ones that amuse me most are the “I know I need to (stop smoking, lose weight, stop using my credit cards in a dangerously irresponsible way, stop kicking puppies, insert vice here) and have known for some time now. I’ve been planning on doing something about it, it just wasn’t January enough for me to fix it before” resolutions. I mean, really, do people think there is something magical about January? Is it self control month and I’ve just been missing it? Yeah, I didn’t think so. And yet, so many people are planning out their resolutions.

Every year I can’t help but hear all the talk of resolutions floating around the office. There is the same guy who every year resolves to quit smoking. What that really means is you will want to steer clear of him until you catch that faint aroma of stale smoke on him once again; until then he will be a little touchy. That is generally on or before the 15th of January. Once he falls off the wagon he will have satisfied himself that he gave it a good try and will be more or less content to continue smoking. Well, at least until next January 1st anyway. Then there is the woman who will have committed herself to an extreme diet to shed those pounds she has been resolving to shed every New Year’s Eve for the past 15 or so years. You’ll want to avoid her for the immediate future as well. The best indicator of safety in this case would be to watch for the telltale straws from fast food cups peeking like little periscopes over the edge of her trash can. Those usually appear even before that other guy starts smelling of smoke again.

And then there is the “I’m gonna get in shape” crowd in general. Each year I am annoyed by the extra glut of people I have to work around at the gym. You have to wait interminably long times at the more popular machines or weight stations and you can’t get a racquetball court at all unless you plan on going in very off hours (which I do). It doubles the time it takes to work out. Alas, the biggest group of them will be gone in two weeks and things will be pretty much completely back to normal by the middle of February. And the only thing getting lighter will be their wallets thanks to membership contracts. Pity.

Now, it may sound like I am happy that these people are failing in keeping their resolutions, but I’m not; I think that most of the resolutions people make are ones worth achieving and it is a shame they don’t actually pull them off. I am just tired of the delusional mindset that surrounds the whole phenomenon. We have to put up with someone being a jerk for the same few weeks every year because they are relying on the magic of January to help them stop smoking, stop overeating or stop spending every spare minute on the sofa. Want to impress me? Quit in May or August or October. Quit because you know the behavior is self destructive, not because you are now writing a new year when you write the date on your checks. Does anyone actually write checks anymore, by the way? Back when I did write them I remember starting to put the new year on ‘em. That was usually sometime in mid-March, but I digress.

As for the gym crowd, I wish them all success. I would be perfectly delighted if all of them showed the will power to continue going beyond February; then the gym chains would build more locations and bigger gyms to accommodate the crowd instead of cramming them all into the existing facilities every January. Then too, maybe all those people would all feel better so they might actually have a better life in general. That, and they would all be in shape so there would be more attractive people to look at. Win-win, right?

The truth is that studies have repeatedly shown that people don’t keep New Year’s resolutions. I mean, if you’ve paid any attention to people at all you already knew that but the actual statistics are enlightening. The one that is most telling is this: only 19% of people who make resolutions have any success at all. Any. That isn’t to say that all of those were 100% successful; very few are. So one in five have any degree of success meaning 4 out of 5 completely flop at it. And if 4 out of 5 dentists recommending Listerine is as compelling as it feel on the commercial then 4 out of 5 in this case must be really, really bad.

So why do people insist on continuing a tradition that obviously doesn’t work? Well, probably for the same reason that they are able to keep advertising the Chamwow! on TV and the same reason BowFlex is still updating their commercials some 25 years later and the same reason people still buy lottery tickets and go give the casinos in Vegas all their money. People want to believe there is an easy way to accomplish their goals. They want – we want – something for nothing. Well, as they – whoever ‘they’ are, that worries me sometimes – say, “There’s no such thing as a free ride.”

If I were running a pharmaceutical drug company and I really wanted to become the next Pfizer I’d forget about all the research into cancer treatment and AIDS research and all those other, you know, life threatening ailments. I would throw all my research staff behind developing a pill that creates willpower. You couldn’t keep em on the shelf. Every day could be January 1st for weak-willed people worldwide. And I’m lumping me in that along with the next guy, by the way. Sign me up. Give me the ’script and I’m heading to Wallgreens right now.

If I had those pills or, absent that, had the magical January will power that others seem to have I would make many many changes. First off I would do less dumb stuff. I would elaborate, but we don’t have that kind of time. Let it suffice to say that that one alone would free up copious amounts of my time. I would spend less and save more. I would make significant progress on the honey do list. I would spend more time with my wife and kids just doing whatever they wanted to do. I would have a much neater desk. I could go on and on. Not unlike anyone else, I have too many things I’d like to change to easily list them all.

But, alas, there is no such pill. That, and January is not magical, so I’m left to work on those and other things as I get around to them (which, coincidentally, is the same approach I currently have toward the honey do list) and make baby steps forward among the occasional huge stumble backward. If I end up with forward progress by next January 1st I figure I’m better off than 80+% of the rest of the population statistically speaking. Wrap it up, I’ll take it. That, and I have no need to limit my being a jerk to just the couple of weeks of the year. I can spread the joy year round.

So, there you have it; no silly resolutions for me but you know, something just occurred to me. My sole resolution is to not make any of those silly resolutions next year; but virtually everyone fails to keep their resolutions fully. Does that mean I’ve doomed myself to make resolutions next year? Hmmmm. I’ll have to consult Mr. Spock on this one; I’ll let you know what I find out. But, you know, if I have doomed myself to making some dumb resolution it will be to become an astronaut. I mean, we all know it won’t happen but if you are gonna fail, fail big, right?

/g