One bite at a time, of course.

You know, throughout life you have those moments where a light suddenly goes on in your head and you have to smack yourself in the forehead for not ‘getting it’ sooner. And looking back it is almost embarrassing that you didn’t make the connection sooner. There is a reason for the saying that hindsight is 20/20. I mean, at the end of every episode of Matlock I was always amazed at how easy the case was to figure out. Of course, that was after the case had been laid out for me. Before that I hadn’t a clue.

That ‘duh’ feeling is only enhanced when, throughout your life, you’ve all but been told the thing that just clicked but never got it. In my case it was the moral carried by the aphorism/riddle “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” I’d heard that many times before and chuckled and got it, but without ‘getting it’. That is, I intellectually understood the point of the saying, I just didn’t recognize the wisdom in it.

I have gone through life wanting to make changes in my life that I just seemed incapable of. I think most of us have. Rather it is lifestyle issues like quitting smoking or getting in shape or it is life issues like spending more time with your kids or being nicer to those around you, changes are not easy to make. Particularly when you are predisposed to whatever trait you are trying to change. They say 21 days makes a habit, but I beg to differ. 21 days may make it part of your routine, but the old behavior is lurking around the corner waiting to jump you. Trust me, I know. I’ve gone to the gym for months on end only to stop going for a week while on vacation and that’s it, game over. I’ve smoked on and off throughout my life and I can go several years without smoking then get under stress or something and bum one from someone and boom, I’m off the wagon. Then the struggle to quit again begins anew.

One bite at a time really could be summarized in more practical terms as ‘make small changes, not big ones’ or at least that is what it means for me. If you are trying to quit smoking, don’t; try smoking less. If you are trying to get into a gym habit, don’t go kill it; go do a little at a time. Either one will lead you closer to that ultimate goal. Trying to do it all at once makes you far more prone to fail and, using that failure as an excuse, give up all together.

Nowhere is that more evident, at least for me, than in life changes rather than the lifestyle ones. I really realized that a year or two back when, like most of us have from time to time, I was looking at my life – looking at my attitude toward life – and I didn’t like what I saw. I realized that I’d assumed a very negative outlook on life over time without even realizing it; I’d become jaded. The manifestations were many. I was judgmental of those around me. I always expected the worst and often found it. I wasn’t where I should have been in many many areas. If you’ve not found yourself in a similar place, take my word for it, it isn’t easy to pull out of. I tried to change but met with little success until one Sunday in church the pastor said something almost in passing. That is, it wasn’t remotely near the heart of his message, but it was the message for me that day. I don’t recall his exact words, and it partially involved me reading between the lines of what he was saying. But I’ve since thought a lot about it and I would put it something like “Don’t try to be perfect. We don’t have that in us. Don’t try to fix all your problems, you will only fail. Try to do more of what you know is right rather than less of what you know is wrong. Over time, the right will displace the wrong.” I didn’t hear any of the rest of the message that morning. I was so absorbed with that concept and it was the key to change for me.

And, while I still do wrestle with many things in life, I’ve managed to drastically change my outlook and actions based on that single nugget. It started with little things. Well, it was all little things I guess. When I’d say something snide about someone (no matter how richly I felt they’d deserved it) I would stop and correct myself. My wife used to laugh at my externalized dialog like “She only buys designer clothes while she wonders why they are always getting utilities turned off? I mean, c’mon, how smart do you have to be??? That was out of line. I shouldn’t have said that.” But, you know, over time I started making the correction internally before I said it. And after yet more time, I stopped even thinking it. Now, I’m not saying I never have uncharitable thoughts; I most certainly do. One of my most uttered phrases is “stupidity should be painful.” But I generally correct myself shortly after and, even when I don’t, I generally know I should. More importantly though, my negative outlook has changed as a result of my own actions. Rather than letting my outlook drive my actions, I let my actions drive my outlook. What a concept.

I still have to remind myself pretty often and I still am constantly struggling to be the person I know I should be, but I don’t always feel like I’m failing anymore. And that, for me at least, is huge. I mentioned in an earlier post that I don’t do things I am not good at. Unfortunately true (and I’m working on that a little at a time) and that made me more prone to give up at the first sign of failure. Allowing a success criteria short of perfection solves that problem. I should note that I’m not advocating accepting the things we know we shouldn’t be doing; we should always strive for what we know is right. We just shouldn’t walk away completely when we fail.

I have applied, and continue to apply, that principal to other areas of life as well. My latest is dietary change. I have a terrible diet. The only green things I eat are, like, apple flavored candy. OK, it isn’t quite that bad but it is closer to true than it should be. I’ve set a goal for myself to eat at least one bite of something I don’t like every day. My theory is this: If I could acquire a taste,or at least a tolerance for beer when I was younger then I can acquire a taste for anything. I don’t care what anyone says, beer tastes nasty. And that was powered by peer pressure. Surely the desire to play ball with my grand kids should carry at least the same weight. And the list of other changes I know I need to make is a long one but, as they occur to me, I put a mental note out there to work on doing a little more or a little less depending on what is needed.

So, day by day and action by action I strive to improve my life a little at a time. And over time I have seen and will continue to see notable improvements overall. Some bad habits have fallen off completely without my even noticing them go. They just died from a thousand small decisions, not one grand gesture. Which reminds me, I haven’t had that bite today; I need to go in the kitchen and find something nasty to eat.

/g