I just pulled into my neighborhood from a trip to the store to find the kid across the street – the very popular kid across the street – is having another party. What that means in practical terms is that approximately 150 teenagers have converged on our area and the streets are lined for a block or two in all directions with cars on both sides. The kids gathering there are, not unlike the neighbor kid, pretty decent kids. They’ve been very respectful, they turn their stereos down before coming in the neighborhood – ironically, I was the only one who rolled into the neighborhood with the stereo blasting – and keeping things pretty well contained to the yard they should be in; really all a guy could ask for from any hoard of teens converging on the house across the street. Even still, it is only a matter of time before someone calls the police and they come flush them all out. Kind of a shame, really. They could be other places getting into trouble instead of here. Oh well.

Annnnyhow, the reason I was at the store to begin with was to get a splitter so I could run one more light to complete my Christmas lights outside, which is what I went out to do when I got home. The bulk of the party was gathered not 40 feet from me while I was working on the lights and they were reasonably loud so it was kind of hard to miss the conversations among them. As I’ve discussed several times before, I am a people watcher so they provided the entertainment while I worked.

I’ve had a couple of reminders lately of how long ago it was when I was the age of the partygoers milling about across the street, so I’d been thinking a lot about what it was like for me back then and how things have changed. To be honest, it is rare than an adult gets the opportunity to observe teens in a party atmosphere ‘in the wild’ if you’ll pardon the phrase. But in this case, I don’t think any of them had even noticed me or, if they had, the didn’t seem to care. So it was that I got this rare peek. I felt a little like Marlin Perkins on Wild Kingdom.

The first thing that struck me is that this could have easily been any of the parties I attended when I was that age. Heck they even are wearing 80’s hair styles and clothes at the moment. The only thing that didn’t fit was the cars. Replace those parked there now with Cutlass Supremes and Camaros and it would have been hard to distinguish from those I attended. But aside from the looks, the group dynamic hasn’t changed in the least. All the standard stock roles were filled in with the appropriate cast. The life of the party with his entourage was there as was the hangers on who probably weren’t invited but were skulking around the edges looking for a way in. There were the gaggles of giggly girls (say that ten times fast) and groups of guys watching them. There were the more reserved types staying apart from the crowd talking among themselves. There were the jocks and cheerleaders and the guy with the hopped up car; it sounded good too. A couple of times I found myself not paying any attention to what I was doing I was so immersed in their scene.

All of the simalarities got me reminiscing about specific parties I’d been to and some of the people I knew then. And those flashbacks got me thinking about the life experiences I’ve been through since that time. And it has been a lot. Far too much to list here in any meaningful fashion. And it got me thinking about who I was then and who I am now and what the differences are. I guess you could say it put me in an introspective frame of mind, but that seems to have a hair-trigger these days so it should be no suprise.

But in looking back at who I was then I was suprised at the differences and the similarities. At my core, I was then who I am now. I’ve always been a good person at heart, even when I’d lost my way. I can thank my parents for that; I had a very sound foundation that carried me through the depths of my considerable stupidity back then and brought me back safely. By a good person, I mean I was never one to pick on the weaker kids or laugh at the fat kid or mock the projector kid. I was never one to shoplift or steal even when the punks I was hanging with did. I acted the fool with them, but I had lines I wouldn’t cross. Even then I refused to to be someone I wasn’t to fit in. At least not in a way that meaningfully violated my core values. That caused me a number of lost friends and even a few fights with guys who thought I was insulting them by telling them what they were doing was wrong. Again, thanks mom and dad. My interests then and now were also the same, as was my taste in music and love of gadgets. So, like I said, at my core I was then who I am now but there were significant differences.

Life was far more tumultuous for me then than now. I didn’t have the clear vision of who I wanted to be. Back then I had ideals and expectations of the world that have proven to be completely wrong in some cases and amazingly right in others. I think the biggest disapointment was that I expected bigger changes in those around me. I thought that, as we all became adults, we would ‘grow up’ and stop all the childish bickering. I’ve found that only the manner of it seems to have changed. The backstabbers still are backstabbers and the jerks are still jerks, but now, instead of waiting for someone they don’t like outside after school they try to torpedo them with the boss at the office. Instead of casting the subject of their gossip out of their group and mocking them, they now invite them in to get better dirt, all pretending to be their friends. At least, I see a lot of that in the workplace. I can only assume it carries to their personal life as well. I’ve learned that who you choose to hang out with is important.

On balance, I think there are far more similarities than differences between the then me and the now me. Even then I don’t think I was your average teenager. As a child and especially as a teen I related to adults far more readily than I related to my peers. I was still very much a teen in so many ways, but I found adults far more interesting. I would sit at youth functions and talk to the youth pastor. At school I was more likely to find myself having a substanitive conversation with my computer teacher or an administrator than one of my peers.

It is really ironic in a way. I was in such a hurry to grow up I forgot to enjoy my time there. But now that I’m grown I realize how much I missed – how much we as adults still miss - because we are so focused on being ”grownups.” I think we forget how to have fun. Or, more precisely, we forget how to lose ourselves in that fun. We stop going to concerts, we stop throwing parties, we stop doing all those things we did as a teen that were so much fun and the more I think about it the more I can’t find the reason quit. I mean, sure, we can’t live like that all the time like we did back then - we have mortgages to pay and kids to raise – but does that mean we have to cut it out all together?

Honestly, I think that outlook has helped my relationship with my 19 year old daughter in very large ways. She is not ashamed to be seen with me in public and never has been; she calls me to meet her for lunch a couple of times a week and we go places together routinely. She isn’t afraid to talk to me about pretty much anything. She and I are in that place where my role as a parent ceases to be that of an authority figure and becomes that of providing guidance and I’m relieved we have the relationship we do. I see too many of my friends with kids who act as though they don’t know them and I’m glad not to be in that group. Rachel going out on her own is scary enough for me as it is and I can’t imagine what it would be like were we not as close as we are. At least I have the consolation of knowing that she trusts me enough to call me for advice; she has already done so numerous times.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’ve remained static. I am far more confident of my role in life now than I was then and enough of life has passed around me to give me more perspective on what is truly important. These days my deepest desires are for the intangible rather than tangible; I want better friends and happier kids more than I want ’things’. I’ve learned that ’things’ don’t matter and that a friend who is a friend because of the car you drive or house you live in isn’t someone you should waste time on. I’ve learned that love and ‘warm fuzzies’ are completely different things. But I haven’t forgotten, or at least not for long, what it was like to be that age. Hopefully I won’t.

So I sat there dwelling on my thoughts and considering all the places I could have gone wrong. And I look across at all those teens at the cusp of becoming adults and wonder which of them will be as blessed as I have been. And I wonder which of them have a relationship with their parents – and which of them have parents who care enough to give them a good foundation - and which of them frame their choices based on what those around them do. And I realize how great a gift it is to have a parent who cares enough to get involved. And I consider how important a role both my parents played in my life and I will play in my kids lives. And, as bizarre as my family can be from time to time (whose can’t) I am thankful that God gave me the parents he did. They weren’t perfect, but they were close enough to get the job done. That’s really all that matters, isn’t it?

/g