Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old times since ?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

For most people, at least most Americans, the first few minutes of each new year are spent singing those words or at least some subset of them and I’m no exception. I don’t ever recall a new year that didn’t begin that way. When I was younger I didn’t really know what I was singing or most of the words for that matter but, as I got older, I began to get a sense of the meaning. Of course, back then I couldn’t have imagined the power it would have to move me as it does now. With the passing of each year the lyrics ring more true and the song grows ever more bittersweet. I can only imagine what impact it will have when I am 70 or 80.

Auld lang syne literally translates from old Scottish to “old long ago.” The song is one of reminiscence of love and friendship in times past. It stirs memories in me that I’d rather leave at rest for the most part and perhaps not the same sort of memories it stirs in most others. Of course it makes me reminisce and long for those in my life who were near and dear and who have either passed or drifted away over time. But the relationships with those I think about this time of year mean much more to me than they normally would because of what went before.

You see, I envy those who have lifelong friends; people they went to grade school with and still keep in touch with. Most of my school life is a vacuum for me from a friendship perspective. As I mentioned in a previous post, I don’t easily make friends these days, but that is true for many adults I know. Where I differ, I think, is that I never have.

At the times in school when others were making instant friends as most kids do, I was often a loner. It isn’t that I was anti-social, I was just very immersed in many other things in my life and often didn’t relate to the things the other kids were interested in. As a consequence that glue of shared interest that cemented those friendships for others was completely lacking in most cases for me. To further complicate matters, I went to Kindergarten through 2nd grade at a school in my grandmother’s area since she kept me while my parents worked. I then moved to another school for 3rd grade near my own house. After that year we moved to a new house in yet another district. Unfortunately the school in that district was full beyond capacity and they were bussing overflow to other districts. So off I went to another district than all the kids who lived around me. The following year I went to the equivalent of a magnet school for that time so, yet another school in yet another part of town. Finally in 6th grade I attended the school up the street with all the kids in my area but I didn’t really click with anyone that year.

7th grade started Jr High where I lived. Not suprisingly I was one street over from the cutoff for where everyone else in the neighborhood went so I got bussed 7 or 8 miles to another Jr High. I should note that all of the schools I’ve mentioned are miles from where I actually lived. Except for 6th grade the closest one was that Jr High and the furthest, down by my grandmothers house, was close to 20 miles away. Any of them may as well have been on another planet at that age.

Highschool finally had me going to the school where everyone around me went. Unfortunately it was a new school serving a mosty very affluent area that we lived on the edge of; a school for rich kids, which I was not. And the town I grew up in is one of the shallowest, keep up with the Joneses places I’ve ever seen to this day. The parking lot was full of IROC Camaros, 280Z’s and other cars that only an idiot would buy for a highschooler. I had my feet. Lets just say I had little in common with most of my peers. As if all that weren’t enough, I was a bright kid who was bored to tears so the administrators did things like put me in AP Human Physiology in my freshman year with a bunch of Juniors and Seniors. Then I out scored them on tests (they posted grades there) which really made them like me lots. Yay.

My freshman year also marked the year my mother went into the hospital with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. She stayed in the hospital more than out for the next few years, often for months at a time. The doctors gave her mere days or, in some cases hours, to live on several occasions. While recent medical advances have rendered it more controllable, at that time it had an extremely high mortality rate. But God is good, and she is still with us and completely healthy now. The doctors said it wan’t possible, but I beg to differ. But at the time we had no way of knowing things would turn out that way. And, because all of that isn’t nearly enough for any one family, the hospital bills and loss of my mom’s income did little to improve our finances. My dad rescued our house literally a couple of hours before it was to be auctioned on the court steps at least once. ‘nuf said.

So, through all of this I predictably floundered. I looked at the circumstances and, well, let’s just say that I wasn’t seeking out a relationship with God at the time; I rather blamed Him for most of what was going on. And, like so many troubled teens I went where I found acceptance, which wasn’t a good thing. Virtually all of the friends I made during that time weren’t exactly the kind you’d really want to keep up with over time. I can honestly say I can only recall a few of their names. But, again, God is good and I am still here and without criminal record, no thanks to my own efforts at that time.

So, for most of my life I don’t have the sort of memories most people do. There is exactly zero chance that I will ever attend a highschool reunion and I can count on one hand the number of people in my entire time in school that I ever considered a real friend. I would say that it was more the life of a military brat, but that wouldn’t be accurate either. Even though they move frequently, military brats tend to make fast friends because they are all sharing that experience. I just sort of… drifted.

I tell you all of that not to share a sob story or throw a pity party; I am suprisingly at peace with my life given the circumstances. But it did inform my sensibilities where friendship is involved. The scarcity of that commodity growing up has made it all the more precious to me since. Through youth group I did meet a couple of people with whom I actually formed lasting relationships. I met my first love, Annie, there. I was head over heels madly in love and, though much time has passed and our lives have gone in decidedly different directions, she still holds a special place in my heart. I would still drop whatever I was doing to help her if she asked. But I haven’t spoken to her her in years and the last time I saw her she was in a very bad marriage to a very bad character and had a couple of kids. She was one of the sweetest and most decent people I’ve ever known and she deserved so much better. She saved me back then, and in ways she couldn’t possibly know. It was years later before even I realized it. I still consider her a close friend and always will.

Then there was Nick. I’d gotten my first computer in grade school and met my oldest friend Nick through one of the earliest online mediums (waaaaay pre-internet) called Joe’s BBS. It was a single line system (one person could connect at a time by directly dialing it with their computer) and there was scarce little content. There were rudimentary message boards and, through them, Nick and I first encountered each other. Back then you didn’t use ever use your real name on those systems. You used a handle, or nickname, and his was somewhat feminine, or so I thought. In short, I thought I was talking to a girl the whole time. Imagine my suprise when we each arranged to have our parents drop us at the mall and I arrived at the pre-arranged location to find a a guy with long hair. It was years before I ever told him that.

Nick and I became fast friends and, as we got older we hung out more and more. His mom was like my second mom and he was more like a brother than my own brother was at that time. We were roommates through college and with very few exceptions took the same courses together. We shared a love of music and a passion for computers. We had a pretty big house with a pool and we each had monster stereos by then and we threw massive parties on a very regular basis. There was something going on at our house pretty much every weekend. I met lots of people then and counted a number of them as my friends at the time, but looking back I realized they were really just aquaintances with a few exceptions.

As close as Nick and I were, much of the forge on which that friendship was crafted was rooted in unhappy events. They are things I can’t, or rather won’t, talk about publicly, but I can say that they were some of the most extreme tests of friendship possible. We emerged from the fire still intact, though more than a little battered and bruised. That we emerged friends at all still amazes me to this day, really. Unfortunately, as I grew up and moved forward, Nick sort of went the other direction. He began using drugs and with ever increasing frequency and he refused to even try to get a real job. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch. He was the most gifted programmer I’ve ever known and smarter than me by half but all he would do was hang around the house and get high. I married and Nick and I began to drift apart. We were in different enough places that there was simply no middle ground. I last spoke to Nick well over 10 years ago. He was still living in that house (which his mother owned). It had caught fire and most of the interior had burned. He was living in the one room that remained intact. I simply coudn’t stand to watch it anymore. I couldn’t help so I couldn’t stay.

So it is at this time of year when I inevitably look back at those tumutuous times. I am blessed now with a few really good friends, and I am thankful for each and every one of them, but I can’t help but wonder where Nick is now and if he is well. Every year around this time I think about trying to find him but, to be honest, I am afraid of what I would find. I don’t think I could stand it if he were still on that same path, so I always seem to chicken out. Perhaps this year…

And I look back at my time with Annie. Christmas has always been a special time for me and it was even more so when she and I were together. That time was a much needed harbor in a rather lengthy storm. And, much as with Nick, I don’t know if I want to know where things stand now with her. She is one of the most loyal people I know and I strongly suspect she is still in that bad marriage and still suffering through things she never deserved. I have actually tried to look her up a couple of times but have always been a step or two behind where she was. Because I didn’t like the looks of the path I broke off pursuit. If she is still in that relationship, me contacting her only makes things worse anyway.

In those and a few other cases I haven’t mentioned, I look back and I wonder. I wonder where those friends – and I do still consider all of them friends – are now and how life is treating them. In some cases I know exactly what precipitated the changes that drove us apart and in others I honestly have no idea. In all of those cases I long to know where and how they are, but am at the same time afraid to know in many cases. I’d like to say I imagine the best, but it would be a lie.

This year has been a rather interesting one for me and I am in an odd place, to be honest. There are things going on in my life that I don’t like but have little control over but, at the same time, my life is good. I have no right to complain. Just the same, I again find myself dreading the stroke of midnight on December 31st. I will once again find myself singing that song that grows more meaningful every year and I will wonder after those I’ve loved in the past and still love. And, as I do every year, I will mourn the loss of not knowing them now. And the bright hopes for the coming year and all I have to be thankful for will again be tinged with regrets over which I have little control. Those things that I can’t control and those things that I have no way of understatanding, I can only give to God. That doesn’t make them any less poignant, but it frees me to go on with life.

So I sit here tonight wondering how things could have been different and feeling sorry for myself, but it will most certainly burn off like so much fog with the rising sun tomorrow. And I will go on with life as usual. And from time to time, often for no reason, I will stop to wonder after old friends who shouldn’t be gone, but are. Just one more piece of baggage, I suppose. Auld Lang Syne, indeed.

/g